Blessings, beautiful souls —
One of the books I found second-hand, The Circle of Life: Thirteen Archetypes for Every Woman, just wasn’t my thing, but it did help me come to an important realization (so it served its purpose for me). I realized that the reason I struggled so much with understanding my identity and who I am at this moment in my life is because I sit in that liminal (and restrictive) space between Mother and Crone. Even the daily pull I did for myself this morning confirmed it.
In fact, with my Seasons of the Witch: Mabon deck, I kept pulling Grieving, and I didn’t understand why. Now I do.
The Queen of Cups is that mother figure, the mother archetype. She is compassionate, she feels, she gives from her cup no matter how full it is, she has the wisdom needed to run and manage her household. The High Priestess is that crone energy. She is intuitive, she goes deep within, she trusts the subconscious to lead, she sits with the moon that has almost gone dark, she understands her personal power to create but is not creating at the moment (unlike the Empress who follows two cards later), she sits in the space between two worlds – the material and the ethereal.
And then out fell the Two of Swords – which kind of mocks me through all this. A card representing the mind, that represents choosing between two realities – that, as signified by her crossed arms, also cross over one another. But she is blindfolded – meaning she refuses to choose because she is not allowing herself to see everything all that stands before her. She is keeping herself trapped in this space of indecision – as she sits (like both women do in the cards before her) beneath the same moon at the High Priestess’ feet, with the waters of the Queen of Cups behind her. See how this card mocks me?
[If you like this deck and the potency of its readings, check out the Simplified Celestial Smith Tarot here – created by yours truly.]
And then, of course, Grieving shows its face again today and the guidebook says, “Your higher self chose this card because grief isn’t just about the death of a loved one. You can grieve […] a move from one place to another […] Doing so doesn’t reduce you love for what you’ve lost but it does give you a way to let go and move on. To ignore your sadness is to deny a meaningful part of your life story. […] Express a fullness of your heartache as a tribute to what once was, and then once you have cried, screamed, gotten angry or sad, your spirit will be free. It’s only when you deny your grief that it becomes baggage.”
From another deck of mine, fleurs celeste, I pull Strength – Cayenne, which speaks directly to moving forward and having the courage to activate something new.
Quite honestly, I haven’t grieved. When I didn’t understand why I was feeling as I did, I got very ill – but I haven’t allowed myself any time to grieve because I didn’t know where I was and I didn’t know I needed it. But now, I think that is exactly what I need.
Because, for a woman, there is no permanent identity, especially as you transition in that liminal territory of archetypes. I hate living with the idea of milestone-to-milestone or checklist-to-checklist and yet it seems that, as a wom[b]an, it cannot be avoided: it is a part of who we are as creators.
I have consciously completed the part of my life in which I create new life; I do not have any intention to have more children and have even started donating my baby gear to signify to the Universe that that door is closing. But I am still very much in the thick of raising the lives I have created.
The generative chapter of Mother is closed. I loved being able to create life. And I will never experience that particular kind of becoming again – and that is a death worth grieving. Just writing that makes me ache beyond something I can define in words.
The Mother archetype doesn’t prioritize herself, but I am in that transitional space where I am learning the importance of doing so. My children are still young and need me – but I am allowed to need myself, too. They are no longer so young that I self-sacrifice because I understand I cannot function on fumes (hence my 4h wake-ups, so that I may have the silence of the morning to myself – something I would have never been able to do on the little sleep of the new mom stage).
I am grateful to have a bit of myself back and grateful I was able to create life, but I am also sad this part of my story is over, and I never took the time to say goodbye to that version of myself I so very much loved.
I am still a mother – but something inside the archetype of Mother has ended.
There will be no more conception. There will no more “pregnant” appearing on a pregnancy test. There will be no more swelling womb, no feeling of kicks within me. No more hospital visit; no more cutting of the seven layers of me to get to the life within. No more becoming a mother again.
The book [that I stopped reading] recommended the title of Matriarch as that in-between archetype – the Autumn of the seasons of womban, but this doesn’t resonate. So much of what I am navigating this month is reflections on what doesn’t resonate for my spiritual path. And I may be entering a period where I don’t need a label – an archetypal category – to define me. But that doesn’t make the grief of this transitional period any less heavy.
I am a woman who has finished creating children and is still raising the children she has. I am learning who I am when my capacity to create life is no longer directed toward creating another human being.
And with writing that, a spark has emerged: perhaps my love of Autumn goes beyond just what it evokes in me. Because this year, even more than the ones before it, this is the month where I step into the knowing that I am in my Autumn season, and while it may not have a name, and while its path and purpose may not clearly be defined, knowing where I stand is enough. “Autumn” certainly resonates far more than “Matriarch” does.
When I look back at my tarot and oracle reading for the month, I see some overarching themes: womb, womanhood, full moons, intuition, the Mother cards showing their beautiful faces… Just last week, I unloaded my car of the first baby items I let go of after more than four years. Today, I come to terms with the fact that I will have to say goodbye to who I was: Mother, growing life in her womb.
My pull today tells me to feel this fully. Allow yourself to grieve. Make space for the emotions. Talk about it if you need to. And the High Priestess says trust what emerges in the darkness of not-knowing, trust where your Divine Feminine intuition will lead you, to trust who I am even when I am unnamed.
I am fulfilled in this beautiful life. I have been gifted and graced with the most beautiful of miracles. I am living inside a fairy tale upon lands that nourish me and inspire me beyond measure. I have a love that is beyond belief. I have grown life and birthed it. Twice. I stepped into the archetype of Mother and embraced her. I loved her, even the messiest and most heartbreaking sides of her. But now she changes, and so she must go – and I welcome who may enter next. I have had it all; every transition has been one of pure beauty. I must surrender and trust that the next destination on my path will also not disappoint. I can grieve what is ending without needing to go backward.
Even Gaia gently reminds me to surrender to this liminal space; first, with the quail mother (represents transition and motherhood), then with hearing sanglier calling in the forest behind my house (represents the untamed self), and with barn owls hooting this morning (represents intuition and the unseen). I have started adding birdseed back into the feeder. Mother birds have been witnesses to their own babies flying the nest. Unlike me, they will return to the archetype come Spring. But for now, like me, they need to be nourished, comforted, they need to feel safe and secure as they transition into all the changes on the horizon. But they also remind me that song doesn’t end just because a season does. There are always new things in life worth singing about.
Looking to step into your Mother archetype and want to connect with your unborn child? Have a look at my spirit baby readings – where I connect with spirit babies in the aether.
If you wish to support my work further, have a look at all my books, journals, and decks, available here. If you want to work with me as a spiritual healer, check out my services through Seeking Celestial Grace and Awakened Little Souls. I am offering limited spots each month for my Year Ahead Tarot Reading. And: What if the wisdom you need could be found in the spirit of flowers – in a 78-card oracle deck? Have a look at fleurs célestes – a Flower Essence Oracle & Tarot Deck created by yours truly.
xx C
lifeofcloud 