Blessings, beautiful souls —
As I slowly sink my feet into this next part of my journey as a healer (embodied channeling – the name I have given to allowing an Ascended Being to speak directly through me while I meditate), I’m practicing whenever I can. This includes allowing space for my own healing through these dialogues and recording the conversation that comes through, so that I can listen back and scribe pieces that require my specific attention.
The last session I had was particularly noteworthy, as it revealed a lot to me that was still unhealed, which still remained blocked in my throat and solar plexus chakra, and which was holding me back. As I continue to read through Llewellyn’s Complete Book of Chakras, I recognize that if I continue with these personal sessions, it is likely that much more that has been stored in my energetic body will unblock and reach the surface of my consciousness.
In my last session, I was channeling Saint Germain – a master alchemist of the Self. He came through on his own, as I have discovered that I have no real power on “summoning” someone forward. Exactly who I need to speak with comes forward at exactly the right moment.
During this conversation, I asked him to address all my fears surrounding this path: fear of being seen, fear of being heard, judged, criticized, fear of being told you’re lying or faking it, fear of not connecting when under pressure and being doubted of my skills, or taking too long to connect and my own ego starts stepping in (what if I can’t do it?), etc.
He revealed to me the very root of this and brought me into hugging, holding, and telling my inner child she was safe.
When I was young, I was tuned right in. I would see fae and elementals, I would astral project at night, I would have prophetic dreams, and I certainly told some big stories. I was endlessly told, that’s some imagination you’ve got! Don’t worry, that’s not real. Ah, okay, but that’s just make-believe. That’s all in your head, Claudia, there’s nothing to worry about. When a child continuously has their spiritual connection dismissed, this becomes internalized as their Truth: you are not believed, everything you are sharing publicly is just your imagination, none of this is real.
When Saint Germain finished explaining this to me and asked me if I had any more questions, I cried. This answered so much for me. This was the root of my fear. This was why it was so difficult to be okay with being seen. If I wasn’t seen when I was most vulnerable and honest and pure, why would people believe me, now? I felt seen by Saint Germain, and I let my inner child know she was seen as well. And with that, I felt free. I felt a great release. As I write this, there is pressure in my throat – the release continues.
After ending that session with Saint Germain, I started to reflect on where else this has emerged and led to blockages in my energy body. Immediately, I was brought into the courtroom where I bravely brought and faced my sexual assailant, and heard the judge tell me he would be acquitted. While the judge did say, “I do not disbelieve Claudia’s version of her truth,” he did follow it up with, “but it cannot be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.” So, yes; in essence, he did doubt my Truth.
So, there it was again. A theme emerging. Paired with my past lives of persecution, I was starting to see how all these little pieces have tried to shrink me and my voice into a box that better suits the comfort of others.
And then, I was brought back to my falling out with my group of girlfriends in 2010. One girl, we shall name her Harley, told our shared group of girlfriends that I wasn’t allowing her to be friends with her ex (whom she “so graciously” gave me permission to date). This was not the truth. I simply asked that there be boundaries in place around them spending time together; she was inviting him over to watch movies in her parents’ basement, and this didn’t feel appropriate.
Anyway, details aside and back to the focus, here: my group of girlfriends instantly deleted and blocked their connection with me. They didn’t allow me to share my Truth in the matter; they listened to Harley and made their decision based on that alone, cutting me off, isolating me, and essentially kicking me out of the friendship group we had had for 8 years. No one wanted to hear my truth – it was not the truth they were willing to accept. My truth was the lie, Harley’s was correct, and I was not given a chance to voice my side of the story. Done and dusted (though, truth be told, I think they were just looking for a reason to be rid of me – I don’t think they ever really liked me at all, but it’s okay, karma has unfolded the way it always does, and I forgive them all and send them love).
Following that, I remembered my Kickstarter campaign for my Tarot deck, Rider Waite Renewed, where, after receiving my deck, one person sent me a private message telling me what a disaster it was, critiquing every piece, and that I should never make a deck again because I’m not a designer and know nothing about design theory. This deck was a spiritual expression of myself, and I was told it was wrong and that I should be embarrassed about it.
Then I reflected on other moments in my life where my truth was dismissed, where I wasn’t given the platform to speak it because someone didn’t want to hear it, where I was made to feel small and disconnected from reality because of the image someone built in their head about me instead of hearing me out, at all. It all makes sense. It is all clear how my energy body would hold onto these “false truths” about myself and my voice; that it doesn’t matter, that it’s false, that it’s make-believe…
During the channeling session, Saint Germain recommended that I take Geranium flower essences. I had forgotten about this suggestion until I received the (glorious) essences featured in this photo above, in the mail. I went to look up what the purpose of that flower essence is, and was astonished by what I found: being afraid of doing it wrong, wary that you’re not enough, falling into a pattern of needing more confirmation and security before moving forward, personal doubt and uncertainty, asking over and over again: am I ready for this? I immediately ordered myself the essence (along with many others from this brilliant website, I cannot lie).
Today, I step forward with far greater comfort and confidence in my Authentic Self, knowing that there will always be those who dismiss my voice and try to make me feel small or insecure – but that has nothing to do with me.
I started my morning by doing a personal Tarot and oracle pull and got The Sun and this card from the Spirit of the Wheel Meditation deck:
Great Spirit, I hear you: I step into and accept my power, and allow you to lead the way for this next part of my healer journey. May it be my most Abundant path yet and the most Abundant path of healing for the Collective.
On July 17th, 2016, ten years ago on this very date, I wrote this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt on my blog post: “Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.”
Now, I am fearless.
If you wish to support my work further, have a look at all my books and journals, available here. If you want to work with me as a spiritual healer, check out my services through Seeking Celestial Grace and Awakened Little Souls.
xx C
lifeofcloud 