Blessings, beautiful souls —
Last night I had a curious dream which, on the surface, may not sound profound: I had a really big pool, and I was trying every possible avenue to fill it up. I finally got it filled all the way to the top and excitedly went to get my husband to go swim in it. When I returned, the pool was drained to empty. I investigated and noticed the pool sides were suddenly made from mesh instead of plastic. I wasn’t frustrated; I just told Jordan, “We will need to invest in sturdier siding and try again another day.”
When I woke this morning, I immediately thought about my Tarot pull from the night before. The Queen of Cups, 2 of Wands, and Page of Cups.
The reflection I wrote about this reading was that I am someone who is endlessly looking to fill the cups of others – to take care of others. I also dedicate a lot of time learning and studying how to become even better at filling those cups because it is learning and growing in that wisdom that fills my cup. I am filled by making myself better for others to have their cups filled by me. And though I am never filling from a place of emptiness, I do often wonder about my “ships that have sailed” – the freedom I had to dedicate to my personal growth and Ascension before children. That being said, it’s nostalgic to look at this from afar, but I do have the wisdom to know that most of that free time, I was just searching for a way for it to be filled and it was not as fulfilling as it seems in hindsight.
My family, my children, my spiritual work with clients, my writing, my creating…. these are not “energy drains,” leaving me emotionally unfulfilled. They are also where my heart feels most alive. Before children, I had more empty space, but didn’t have the means to fill it. The Page of Cups fills it with playfulness – graced by my children.
In my dream, I had an abundance of water to fill this pool. I (the one filling) was not the problem; the container holding it was the problem. And if we look at the pool as a mirror of me, the reflection here is more not that there is something wrong with my vessel, just that the focus should be on strengthening it (with Spirit) rather than filling it with something it cannot hold. The mesh did what mesh does; it filters out what it cannot hold. It can hold people; it cannot hold water. I didn’t get angry at the pool, I just acknowledged to my partner (in life): let’s strengthen it.
I want Spirit to strengthen me – this vessel that I am – so that I may hold even more, so that the pool of me can be swum in, enjoyed, and refresh the spirit of whoever wishes to swim in these waters. These waters that I carry do not belong to me; they are not mine to hold onto; they are not mine to claim. They can vanish from the vessel of me just as quickly as they have been filled. They are a gift of nourishment that I can only carry if I can sustain it, and to sustain it, I must be strengthened.
I am just a vessel – the gift I bring (for all to benefit from, especially fitting image during a heartwave) is just that: a gift. If I am not fit to carry it, I do not need to get frustrated, disheartened, or sad; I just need to ask: how do I become better for this gift?
It seems a little like The Tower card: how do I strengthen my foundation for all that I am meant to hold? But that’s not a card I’ve pulled in any reading lately, so the message coming through to me is more gentle: ask for help to strengthen your vessel, take continuous action to grow and become better, and Spirit will make you stronger for this mission. Because it is known (by the Universe) that filling the cups of others is the most nourishing way to fill my own cup in return. And life is meant to be lived aligned with the energy of Joy, as that is a God-vibration.
So, how do I fill my cup? Well, my happy-mail (lately) shows this quite clearly:
I fill my cup through my ongoing spiritual growth and connection. Flower Essences are my go-to as of late, and these are my newest ones from Crystal Herbs UK (4GBP for INTL shipping and an incredible selection!). I am currently taking Australian Bush Flower Essences’ Solar Logos but… it doesn’t feel the way the foundational Gaia essence felt. Perhaps it is not what my spirit needs in this moment.
The latest books in my bookstack continue my study of Tarot. I am most excited about Tarot and Astrology. I also received the sample copy of my renewed “Rider Waite Renewed” tarot deck, Celestial Smith Tarot. In my hands, it felt like a transformed relationship; it felt like a piece of my spirit healed. I want to sit with this deck, hold it close, infuse it with my energy, and then have it become a part of my professional work – a new deck for a new chapter of my professional tarot readings.
Speaking of renewed relationships with the tarot – the second book in that stack simply named Tarot is a guidebook that was supposed to come with a tarot deck. Awesome Books made an error and sent me the incomplete package and returned me the cost but let me keep the book. But it’s not just any deck… it was the exact same first deck I ever received.
It was the book and deck I got from Chapters in Oakville, Ontario, from my mother, when I was 12. It was in the “discount books” section and had a big, round $10 sticker on it. I don’t remember much from my past, but I remember this moment. I remember this deck. This deck changed my life. This deck opened my doors back to Spirit. In the 8th grade, we had an overnight trip at a camp and while I don’t remember the camp name, what we did, what it looked like, who I sat with on the bus, I remember bringing this boxset and doing tarot readings for my girlfriends outside during “free time.” I brought it to many sleepover parties.
In 2007 or 2008, I nearly converted to Orthodox Christianity. I fell in love with the music, with the icons, with Jesus – and I was in a narcissistic relationship so I couldn’t see control when it was right under my nose. Under the “guidance” of my spiritual priest – and my narcissist boyfriend at the time – I got rid of any and all new age books and tools I had. I even remember exactly where I let go of this deck and guidebook set. I sold it for store credit at a small bookshop in Hamilton, Ontario that no longer exists. Again — a memory I cannot explain.
Something about this deck, its purpose in my life, my relationship with it… all of it has stuck in my subconscious. So, when I found it online again, my heart skipped a beat. I jumped on the opportunity to bring it back into my life. But I suppose I was not meant to have the deck.
Despite the disappointment with this incomplete arrival, I found the deck and guidebook in French on a resale website for even cheaper. I thought to myself that not only will I have the guidebooks in both languages, but I’ll have the deck in the language of this new chapter of my life, this new home, this new me. An old deck arriving to unravel a new story in a new form. A new relationship that will begin with this old and familiar deck.
The Celestial Smith Tarot deck – a revamp of a deck that likely ruined my relationship with Tarot, the return of my childhood tarot guidebook, and even the deck finding its way back to me in French all feel like reminders from Spirit that nothing truly meant for us is ever lost – just like the dream where water was not holding in my pool, and I decided I just needed to build it differently. It all simply returns when we have grown enough to receive it differently.
The Lion’s Gate Portal is on the horizon; have a look at the Tarot Reading I have done for the Collective. If you’d like an energy reading for August, have a look at my latest newsletter.
If you wish to support my work further, have a look at all my books and journals, available here. If you want to work with me as a spiritual healer, check out my services through Seeking Celestial Grace and Awakened Little Souls. And are you dreaming of a vintage French tarot deck that inspires intuitive reading and transports you to a chateau in France? Have a look at my la galerie des glaces | the hall of mirrors Tarot deck
xx C
lifeofcloud 