Blessings, beautiful souls —
I’m going to talk about something a little more human today, but there is a spiritual essence to all of it.
When I was younger, before having children, my clothing was a big part of my identity. It’s not that clothes were my life, but they certainly made me feel like me, and choosing how I wanted to appear to the outside world each day was exciting to me. I even went through phases: the punk rock phase, the band t-shirt phase, the bright coloured hippie, the sexy young thing, the Parisian, etc. Every phase in my life had a look to go with it. Then I got pregnant, and I was in my maternity phase.
After having a baby, it took two years to feel like me again, to find myself and my confidence in my clothes. I even bought jeans after nearly three years of never wearing jeans – and then I got pregnant literally weeks after I finally found my identity in my clothing once more.
And now the sense of being lost in my closet has returned. I am not sure who I am. I have certainly shifted from who I was, but I’m not really sure how to find my confidence in my clothing anymore.
As someone who spends naptime picking up chicken poops outside and spends her waking hours chasing after littles, I generally lean towards comfort over fashion, but I still want to feel confident in my comforts. But I don’t – not really. I haven’t truly figured it out.
This weekend, I tried on 10 different outfits, many of them being something I was confident in at one point in my life. Since then, my body has certainly changed – as have my priorities. And I didn’t feel confident in those outfits anymore. In fact, I didn’t even recognize myself. “This isn’t me, now.” I would say to the mirror.
I saw this YouTube video and it resonates deeply with what I am navigating at this moment:
I am still in a stage where it is hard to know what feels like me because what I am visually drawn to doesn’t really match what looks good on me. I’m constantly pulled to patterns, design, colour, things that are a little out there – but they don’t look good on me. At all. I’m always pulled to blue and turquoise, but they just don’t suit me. I know what colours look best on me, but my soul expression is far brighter than what looks best. I know I’ve shifted out of sexy to more flowy and natural, but I also don’t see myself in a lot of the flowy clothes I already have. It’s really overwhelming, truly confusing, and on top of all that, frustrating.
And then, with all this, I am in a state of non-attachment – I don’t really care about clothes, so it’s hard to dedicate time to finding out what clothes fit my current identity. I don’t have the time (or the care) to try on the clothes I have and weed out the present me from the graveyard of my identity. I am in my mama era, my chicken mama era, my spiritual stillness era, and my nature lover era – but how do I reflect this in my outer world? How do I match my dress to my spirit?
I think part of this is that I’m trying to define something that is still unfolding. I’m not who I was, but I’m also not fully settled into who I’m becoming. And there’s a discomfort in that, in not having something external that reflects something internal so clearly anymore.
And maybe one day, I’ll walk into my closet and just know again. And maybe this version of me isn’t meant to be styled yet … just lived, slowly, honestly, as it reveals itself.
I’m not sure. I don’t have all the answers. Last time, she appeared without notice. Perhaps this time around, it will be the same. For now, I know that it’s time to weed my closet so that it’s easier to narrow down who I am or perhaps who I am becoming.
If you wish to support my work further, have a look at all my books and journals, available here. If you want to work with me as a spiritual healer, check out my services through Seeking Celestial Grace and Awakened Little Souls.
xx C
lifeofcloud 