I’m going to take a break from my New York posts for today. I’m going to take this moment for a bit of melancholy musings. If your blogger isn’t real, honest, and true, why follow them at all? Am I right? This will be honestly me, and perhaps you will find that you can relate to what I share with you.
Today, I am feeling drained and I am feeling sad. It’s one of those days where I’ve woken up exhausted and I’m ready to stay under the covers. But of course, I have responsibilities, I have a career to tend to, and so I am moving forward with my day..
I feel uninspired. I feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I’ll be 29 in a few months, and though I’ve achieved a lot for myself and by myself in a short amount of time, I don’t feel fully and completely happy. I keep searching for more.
Paris plays a big part in that “more”. I continue to dream about my move, and wondering when I’ll simply take the leap and make it my reality. Every time I am on Instagram and I see photographs in Europe, I wonder to myself: why do I live where I live? As I’ve said before, Hamilton is an amazing city. But it’s just a cookie cutter urban/suburban living space. It’s missing life. It’s missing old, inspirational buildings. It’s missing the impact. It’s missing the smells of chestnuts in fall and winter and chestnut flower blooms in spring. It’s missing the balcony apartments overlooking centuries of history. It’s missing the cheese! It’s missing the hour train ride into another country overflowing with even more historical significance. It’s missing the two hour train ride to real, breathtaking mountains.
Canada has history and Canada has mountains, but it also comes with that Western mindset of living. You work to live. I don’t want to work to live anymore. I want to truly live.
I continue to talk about how much impact my career has, and how rewarding it is, and this year, everything seems to flow more smoothly now that I’ve had the groundwork of the year before. I know more of what works and what doesn’t. And I know what my kids want more of and need less of. This year, though it seems to be my busiest yet, has also felt like the easiest year yet.
But I don’t think it’s all for me. There was a point where I thought, “This is it, set for life, here I go – onward to forever.” But that doesn’t feel right to me, or enjoyable to me, or exciting to me. I know there is so much more for me out there. And I know that if I continue to work hard, search for opportunities, explore, take risks, and the like, I will get to a new and exciting point that will, once again, feel right to me.
I am often told that I am a great writer. I love to write, and so the words flow easy and rather eloquently, for me. And sometimes I consider my potential to write as a career. It was something I dreamed about when I was a child, but was often told by teachers or peers or adults, “There is no money in writing.” And so those dreams were pushed aside in order to survive. But what is surviving worth if I am not living passionately?
People have said I should consider writing for education, but I see no point in that. Those books sit on school shelves and become irrelevant in five years time, when a new generation enters the school doors, who’s learning has evolved in a way that my book no longer applies to. I want a book, a piece of writing, that will echo through generations. I want to make something that doesn’t get old or irrelevant when a new generation steps forth. I want to create something that will cause a ripple in the waters of time that will continue, endlessly. I want to write something that moves people in a way that changes their life, not just their careers. I don’t want to be famous, I most definitely don’t want to be a famous name in education (who am I, to think I could teach you how to teach?), but I want to do something great, and I want to be happy.
Today, I’m just feeling cloudy-headed, and I’m tired, and I’m sad. And so my musings have taken random directions as I just let them flow and went where they lead me. If you’ve taken the time to read, I appreciate it. If the content is not what you expect, I apologize. But this blog started as a place of musings, longings, dreaming, and so, such posts will appear once in a while!
Do you have an inspiring quote you can share with me today? I would appreciate it (and I need it)! Please post it in the comments, below.