When Adult Choices Mean Putting Dreams on Hold – or do They?

Hey there,

Don’t you love that click-bait title? Oh yes, such mystery…

This morning I went to sign my mortgage renewal. Yes, I can’t believe it either; four years ago, on February 1st 2013, a day before my 25th birthday, I signed on the dotted line and purchased myself a home. Me. All by my lonesome. My own, detached, two-story, finished basement, single family unit for a girl and her dogs. I had always wanted one. I knew this independent lady needed her own space and I didn’t want to funnel my money into the pockets of another. I wanted an investment. I wanted to make a home for myself. And I did which, in these markets, in this area (GTA) is really hard on your own. So, yay for me!

As I was saying, the mortgage renewal was coming up in 2017 but I wanted to get it out of the way. If I was going to have to deal with increased interest rates, might as well set myself up for disappointment in the crap year of 2016! Thankfully – and surprisingly – interest was significantly lowered. But that’s not the point of this post at all. The point is that I signed my mortgage for another four years.

If you know me, you know I’m a dreamer. Hell, I started this blog as a way to chronicle my path towards making Paris, France  my home(the broker thought I meant Paris, Ontario and was very confused as to why I had dreams of living there). I need Paris. And here I am signing away to another four years of living here.

Have I just resigned myself to the fate of the comfortable and reliable? Did I just settle? Did I just sign away my dreams? I had goals of making it my home in my 30th year – I’ll be 29 in February. Now what? Do my “goals” and “dreams” really have a purpose? Are they just fairytales?

I can’t say I returned home excited by my lowered interest rate and lowered monthly mortgage payments (yes, these things excite adults) because it was overshadowed by the loss of years I could have been in Paris. It was clouded by the idea of four more years in a place where I am not truly happy, fulfilled, inspired.

People say make the best of the time you have and stop dreaming of the future, to make your home into a place you want to be, etc. Don’t get me wrong; my house is awesome. I am constantly moving around the space to suit my needs and make it more wonderful to be immersed in. There are nerdy things everywhere you look. It’s a house full of life and fun. But it’s a house on an urban street in an urban city in the GTA with the Western mentality of “work until you die”. I can’t do it. It’s eating away at my soul.

And yet I’ve resigned myself to another four years of it. What have I done?

xo
C

Post Scriptum: I’ve decided to compile all my poetry into a new poetry category (which should be listed at the top of my home page). New poetry will be added to the top of the page, rather than making individual postings for poetry, alone.