-written on the plane-
Hemingway once said: “Write hard and clear about what hurts,” and the pain I am feeling surpasses the definition given by written words. So let me be quite clear: this sucks. This fucking sucks. To know this raw, authentic, best friend, soulmate love, only to have the universe throw thousands of miles between us is a cruel, cruel joke. And I am not laughing. I am mad. And you know what I do when I’m mad? I destroy. I bravely face and overcome the challenge with unrelenting strength. And I prove to the problem that they are nothing in comparison to me.
The world is a lot smaller than it seems and for me to have traversed the ocean just to find my perfect match, my puzzle piece, my soul-mate, and best friend is complete magic. And it’s not something I will risk losing. This is not a passing or fleeting feeling. This is true. And a truer passion I have yet to experience.
He drives me to be better. He drives me to succeed. He drives me to be compassionate without expectation. He makes me laugh, especially when I need to laugh the most. He holds me and the world disappears. Our conversations expand my mind. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel desired. He makes me feel truly loved and does so many little things to express this to me. How lucky am I?
I’m having heart palpitations as I write this and I worry that it’s because my body is manifesting my internal pain in physical ways. I need to sleep for a bit. I want to cry. Again.
–[slept on plane]–
I woke up. I had two beers. I cried. I slept again. I woke up. I cried.
6284 km between us.
I know we need to figure shit out. I know we need to do that independently to succeed. I know we will come back together when the time is right for us to work out. We met at a time when both of us needed it without realizing we needed it. It will continue in the same way.
He came in like a storm wind and he shook me right up. He’s left me changed. He’s imprinted on my soul and I can no longer let him go. I have seen his soul and I can no longer look away – it shines too bright, pulls me in like a moth to the flame. Like his eyes: they have a fire that I will willingly let burn me alive. What a beautiful way to die.
I am sure we have spent other lifetimes together. How else could someone know me so thoroughly in so little time? How else would I be so innately aware of his likes, dislikes, pains, needs?
It’s so interesting because we are the same person, like two wild children, best friends with the same mindset and goals. And yet all our differences also bring a perfect balance to each other’s lives. We are truly a perfect match.
But above all, our compatibility soars with our wanderlust hearts. We both want to find “home” – we both have no attachment to a certain place, and we are willing to explore and discover what’s best for us (independently and then together). But one thing has changed for me now: home is a person. Jordan Alzraa is home. “I have been shot down by love: you’ve got my heart now.”
It’s truly frustrating that this stubborn and strong person (me) is now completely hopeless and helpless against her feelings for one man who came into her life by chance. “No reason in getting attached, no?” – I said this before we met. LAUGHABLE statement! The morning after we met I was texting friends, “Well, I am doomed.”
And what a glorious doom, what a magical destruction this past month has been. It’s so insane for me to say, “One month,” out loud when I swear I’ve known him all my life. I am happier having my best friend, Jordan, in my life. I have a teammate now. I have a partner ready to take on the world with me. I can’t fucking wait for the battle. I can’t wait to storm the field with this man.
But right now, I just need to share a bed with him again. Tonight will be hard.
Now my only concern is that I am not living in a town/area that makes random meetups with friends very convenient and I worry I may isolate myself in my sadness.
F*ck — the tears come in waves. And I am drowning. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I am putting on ‘Flight of the Conchords’ on my plane television in an attempt to laugh. J was always good at getting me to laugh when I was down…