It’s been a year without you.
It doesn’t seem real. When you’re busy, the time flies. When you’re busy, the mind wanders. When you’re busy, in a blink, it’s been 365 days since you left this earth.
A lot has changed since you’ve been gone. I won’t go on about it because I know you’ve seen it all. I know this. I believe it with every fiber of my being.
I went to a medium and you were there.
You told me: stop crying over me, I’m happy, be happy, I need you to be happy. I listened (thank you).
You told me: you were dancing again, and I should dance too. I listened (thank you).
You told me: stop kissing your ring at 4pm every day, live, it’s okay to live. I listened (thank you).
You told me: I’m proud of you, congratulations, you’re so strong, so bold, so wonderful. I listened (thank you).
You told me: holding onto grief doesn’t allow anyone to move forward, so it’s time to smile. I listened (thank you).
You told me: love lives on, and you’re constantly present, giving your love to me, so I just need to stop and feel it when I’m feeling lonely. I listened (thank you).
You told me: you love these moments we spend together, but I don’t need to go to a medium to experience it, I just need to feel it in my heart and our moment is shared. I listened (thank you).
I’m so much better than I was a year ago. Yes, I’d be so much better if I got to spend another Christmas with you, if I got to hear another, “Happy Birthday” from you, if I got to see you even one more time (even once!). But I have come to terms with your passing, and I owe that to you. I owe that to your love. Because your love continues to live on: in me, in my father, in my mother, in my brother, in my extended family, in my partner, in my friends. Your love is everywhere. You are all around.
I see a moth or butterfly and think it’s you saying, “Hello”. I hear a bird’s call and feel it’s you saying, “Hello”. I have a stranger smile at me, and I feel it’s you saying, “Hello”. I see the sun shine through the clouds and feel it’s you saying, “Hello”. You are everywhere, you are all around me, and so much reminds me of you. You are alive, in a new way.
I don’t get sad when I think about you anymore. But my heart swells and I feel your love fill me up. I am so thankful I got to know you, to love you, to learn from you, I’m so thankful to be your grand-daughter.
I can’t believe it’s been a year. But thank you for always being here, in your new way.
I love you, Nonna Nives.