Healthy Marriages – A Reflection

You always hear people say, “Whoever tells you marriage is easy is lying to you.” But when I declare how easy my marriage is, it’s certainly not a lie.

But an easy marriage does depend upon a few things.

  • You must be willing to let go of toxic habits and behaviours that you held onto in the past in order to adapt to a healthy relationship where the other person feels consistently valid. If you are demonstrating toxic behaviours in your relationships, you cannot gaslight your partner or project this trauma onto them, you need to recognize it, apologize for it, and move through it. And an apology means making a conscious effort to not repeat the pattern of behaviour down the line.

  • You must be willing to let go of extremism in any format as it creates divides within a relationship.

  • You must learn the other person’s love language and make an effort to speak to them in that language, even if it isn’t your primary comfort.

  • You cannot enter a relationship expecting to fix the person or with the hope that things will be different and better down the line; you must accept the person as they are, for who they are, in each stage of your growth together. Joining in union with the hope that it will “get better later” is setting yourself up for destruction.

  • You must not be willing to settle for someone who does not trust you, does not completely respect you, and does not take the time to communicate with you in a matter that demonstrates this respect.

  • You cannot enter a marriage/union out of fear, needing security, or with lack of trust.

  • You must be willing to compromise for solutions that create the least amount of drama and keep the peace in the relationship.

  • Believe it or not, fighting in relationships is not “healthy” as so many people try and sell it to you. Arguing and bickering and not making the effort to eye-to-eye does not, “keep things exciting”- there is no positive spin that you can put on fighting that will convince me that a relationship has to be like that. It simply doesn’t. If communication is optimized, if you are patient, if you ask for clarification when you are upset instead of reacting, and if you are consistently honest about everything you feel, there is simply no place for fighting. In my opinion, bored people bicker. Find something better to do.

  • “Pick your battles,” isn’t only true for raising children. Not everything needs to be an argument or a moment to criticize your partner. Did he leave the toilet seat up? Did she leave a ball of hair in the shower drain? Will complaining about it really solve the issue or just cause resentment?

  • The true Divine goal of a union is betterment; it’s important to recognize that you are both headed on that journey together, and neither of you are perfect. From one moment to the next, someone may slip. Allow people an opportunity to catch up and fix it themselves, first, before you criticize or penalize someone.

  • Do not take everything personally. What your partner is dealing with in their personal life, independent from you, does not always need to be about you. You can avoid conflict by removing yourself from the scenario until your partner asks for you to be present or says they need your opinion.

  • Establish roles before heading into marriage with one another, and make sure it feels fair. Abandoning a role you agreed to beforehand is neglecting your commitment to the relationship. Changing roles as your relationship develops is normal, but ensure everyone is comfortable with the transition.

  • Insecurity simply doesn’t exist in a relationship that has been built upon a foundation of total honesty and trust, and a lot of arguments or petty jealous behavior also ceases to exist in the process.

  • Take time to show your partner how much you value you and appreciate them, and not only when you mess up. If you are only doing it when you mess up, it is actually a way that you are avoiding taking true responsibility for your errors. If it can be done on the daily through small gestures, that strengthens your bond with one another. On the same coin, make sure you don’t constantly need reassurance or validation through your personal insecurity; that is a trauma you need to deal with and it pushes people away.

  • Allow your partner the opportunity to pursue their independent passions and interests and friendships, and support them along that journey (even if it doesn’t fall into your field of interest!).

  • You don’t need to have everything in common; in fact, you don’t need to have many interests in common at all. What you need to have in common with one another are your life goals (they need to be compatible), family values, and personal virtues.

  • You cannot let external factors or people who do not understand, are not involved in, and have no insight into your relationship try to influence or damage it. Those people must be ignored; it doesn’t need to bring hesitation, doubt, or guilt into your space. To give people the time who are merely set on disrupting, not nurturing, your relationship together is to disrespect your partner. This is a relationship, a union, between two people – it’s sacred, keep it sacred.

  • Your life partner should also be your best friend. Nietzsche once said you should never marry for love or for looks but marry someone you like talking to. Communication is truly the central theme of majority of the points on this list, and being able to grow through a heart-connection built upon communication and friendship is essential.

Marrying Jordan and being with him, in general, has shown me absolutely everything that was wrong in my past relationships, and how one-sided a lot of the effort had always been. When you truly want to be with someone and want to develop a Divine and healthy relationship with one another, both parties will put in the extensive effort and follow through on the items on this list without issue.

People say fairy tale relationships don’t exist but when healed people, or people willing to heal themselves, join in union, it can truly be like a fairy tale. Every day does feel like a fairy tale, in my marriage. I feel valued, respected, honored, pushed to be my best and pursue my passions without feeling guilty, listened to, understood, and important. And I know this is reciprocated because it’s communicated to me from Jordan.

Our marriage is easy because we both put in the effort to make it easy – for ourselves, and for the other person. We both like peace, we both like serenity, and we both like the idea of making the life of the other person as easy as possible.

If your marriage isn’t easy, I would begin to question what behaviors, habits, and communication techniques need to be altered to change that. That will be your “hard work” and then it’s smooth sailing after that! And you might be thinking: “Yeah, but Claudia, that’s work, ergo marriage takes work and isn’t easy!” but to that I say: when you are passionate about something and they/it is your priority for you, work isn’t really working at all, but a joy.

My marriage is an endless joy.

xo
C

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s